Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
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