I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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