You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
