My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
