Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
