So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Boobs speak an international language.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
