We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
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