Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
