Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Randomize
