we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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