I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
