Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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