you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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