I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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