i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Randomize
