my vag is so smooth its legendary
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
