i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
