I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Randomize
