I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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