I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
