Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
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