So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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