my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
