I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
My day in three words: secret purse cake
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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