how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
