I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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