Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
