I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Randomize
