either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
