My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
her vagine was all disorganized.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
