I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
