Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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