We won't sleep together?
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
