Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
