Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Randomize
