The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
