Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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