I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
