If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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