i just made my gag reflex go away.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
