The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
