Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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