***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
