I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
