Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
