i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Shame - the story of my life.
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