That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
