your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
