i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
