Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
